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Confessions, Relapse And Rehab.

If you read my previous post you will have an idea as to how my gambling escalated severely. At this point I’m at least 25k in debt on credit cards (from online gambling). I’ve maxed out everything, on some cards I’ve gone over my limit so I’ve voided the promotional rate…and sky high interest kicks in. I’m trying to juggle all these cards and payments, I’m only making minimum repayments and on some cards that that just clears the interest so I’m no closer to bringing the balance down.

All this time I’ve got a permanent knot in my stomach, ‘wtf, how did I get here’. I just couldn’t comprehend. Every day I tried my best to be ‘normal’, be a good mum, go to work, be a good partner and a good friend. I pretended well, but in the back of my mind the stress, worry and anxiety was always there.

I’d lay in bed at night running through conversations with my husband in my mind. Thinking and worrying about all the consequences. I knew I had to tell him, I just didn’t know how and I was so afraid to loose even more. We would sit eating tea together and my head was screaming ‘tell him, tell him’ but the words just got stuck. During this time I thought of all manner of ways I could make money and rectify the situation so it didn’t cost me the things I loved the most. So the people I love the most wouldn’t know what a failure I was, how irresponsible I’d been. Some of these ideas and half actions were absolutely absurd, went against all my principles and morals. So I can completely understand what people will do when they feel desperate.

Then one night it happened, the noise escaped my mouth. ‘I’m £25,000 in debt on credit cards because I’ve been secretly gambling online’. It was out there, my heart thumped in my chest, tears on the brink….and silence…..and more silence.

My husband was dumbfounded.

(Not complete…more to follow)

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